The Itch

Disclaimer: Its important to tell at the start that I am not a clean and organised person... I like my books on my bedside... My clothes hang on my chair and so on.

Have you ever felt embarassed at throwing a peice of trash on the road side and hoped nobody saw you? Are you always on a lookout for a dustbin to throw your trash which is usually not found in India? So what you do is keep the dry trash in a side pocket of your bag where it will accumulate and you can clear later, also the biodegradable waste goes where it can just mix with the earth. Are you mortified at the fact that your maid whom you pay to clean your house will clear up empty packets thrown around your bedroom, and wonder what would she think of you? Do you feel guilty when tap is running without use? 

Well I feel all the above things...Its like an itch on the back of my neck if you know what I mean! My parents hardly ever taught me this except for inside the house cleanliness. I have no idea where i picked this itch from. Maybe it was a friend who refused to throw out trash of a moving train instead made a trash polybag for the journey! Maybe it was civic sense classes in school... Or maybe its just that I feel bad that somebody else is picking my dumped garbage. I am not a Modiji bhakt or a swatchh bharat abhiyan volunteer. But this is how the world around, the people in general or the closed ones, is behaving. So I have been pondering is there something really wrong with me or i should somehow cure my itch!

The Dilemma Of Sizes!

'You should join gym with personal trainer. It will help you shape your upper body and reduce face size...' So went the constant chime till it registered in my brain that at 5 feet and 55 kg plus minus one I had a serious weight issue and I should do something about it...

But then being of scientific mind i thought apply your head to the task... You are definitely not overweight maybe chubby. So see what is it you are doing wrong? The mind worked on the problem and arrived at conclusions because of the wedding just around the corner and so much pressure in this pseudo-modern  misogynistic society for the bride to look 'sundar'. So after many calculations i figured - junk food , high saturated fats , late night dinners, and an irresistible sweet tooth will not help me shed those extras around my waist. And i thus embarked on the task at hand making my mother' s heart ache everytime i say no to something she made especially for me. I was making little progress when a diet emergency called diwali arrived and the same beforementioned well wisher is sending me sweets i am not supposed to eat...

Why is it that people comment on other people' s weight, advise regimes and then tempt them to break those disciplines?! If i am off high fat and high sugar i am off why should i have even one morsel of it just because its being served and nobody hurts the host? Why the same people who snicker on your looks say eat up its not much and if you don't comment on that as well?! For me I will  never  gift chocolates to those who finds them guilty pleasure and hate themselves for eating them later... Their are so many substitutions for gifts! And i will gift them to those who savour them despite weight issues... For me if i am imposing a self discipline on myself in food i want it to be respected unless its hazardous for my health... P. S - my disproportionately large face in relation to body is a hereditary thing i feel,maybe i will be able to reduce it to society prescribed norms of ideal female faces...wish me luck!!!

We Are Not Magicians!

http://indianexpress.com/article/cities/mumbai/1200-kem-hospital-resident-docs-strike-against-assault-on-colleagues/

Yet again a question mark has been raised on the safety of resident doctors, the availability of adequate amply equipped work and training setup and of course an overall intolerant attitude of general public. Here i would like to clarify what all does a resident getting trained in any speciality in a government hospital actually aspires for .Any resident just wants to get trained properly and serve patients and in between may get some sleep or get food (not necessarily edible if you look at the canteens) for two to three years of training. So before you accuse any residents of negligence lets also consider a very common technicality, sometimes we as doctors receive patients at stages where there is very less that we can do except resuscitate and be watchful. Dengue complications present one such scenario in an endless list. Am i blaming patient' s relatives for bringing a patient at a terminal stage? No...that happens due to lack of awareness, education, overall panic and inavailability of basic health care facilities at grassroot level. If i be taken for my word no doctor working in a tertiary level centre loves saying ' you got here late there is nothing that i can do at this stage' but they still try to do whatever best they can. Despite all media awareness programs i will repeat dengue is a preventable disease but once it occurs there is no definite cure except supportive treatment and hoping for no complications. As for the matter of prevention it is an integrated multilevel process involving education, public cooperation and administrative implementation. I as a doctor is just one rung of a ladder of health care management. Please dont assault me but first pay attention to health care awareness in public and who are the public representatives taking decisions as well. If everything about my workplace is as it should be in an ideal setup and then if i am not doing justice to my duty i will take your assault gladly but not before that!!!!

IT'S US....

They say every girl has a dream of a wedding where she gushes blushes and looks her best...Its an affair of a lifetime and a turning point! 

But is it?! Or is it just an event recoursing your life in a different direction! Is the wedding essential or the marriage?

My reflecting on this came from a thought...which i had not realised till now. 

I tried to reach back in time and think what was it i actually wanted from this life changing event? And i couldn't think of anything except the truth that i wanted the person standing next to me of my choosing. Once i have found that one person does anything else matters! How would i look? What would i wear? Jewellery, attire, gifts! Frankly i don't want  anything grand to celebrate my commitment for life... But then the families do! So what we see at weddings is a social protocol a display of one's social economical and political worth. Everybody has an agenda to attend a wedding a social obligation, gracing it with our austere presence, enjoying the cuisine, feeling happy for the families, nowadays enjoying them as a two day out of station fate...

As far as my memory recalls even as a child what intrigued me the most and motivated me to attend any wedding was to look at the couple. How they were together? Were they confortable with each other or sullen looking? Did they really like each other? Trust me i have observed a lot of things there... So what is grand attraction in a wedding...its the two people taking the vows of togetherness! But do we really celebrate that union most of us attending the wedding?! Do we really seem to care how the marriage goes? Well i will leave the answer to you for as i mentioned before a wedding means a lot of different things to everybody....

As for me i believe no grand wedding should take place unless two souls truly understand the grandeur of their union and value it enough to celebrate with just the loved ones! 

The Scotch...

'Wow do indians appreciate scotch this much?!' I looked up to see her amused dark eyes. Her accent was british and face really pretty. Appreciated or not i had ordered just on my whim and it was my third fill that drew her attention or maybe she did want to flirt i wasnt sure...appreciated or not scotch was making my mind a little numb and i was liking that. She sat with her drink next to me and i couldnt help but smile at her...' This is the first time i have tried scotch...not very experimental usually' I said. 'Well then let me tell you scotch does make men interesting!' she said. I wasnt sure what she was getting at it was just i liked looking at her. She shook my hand told me her name and what is it she does and i reciprocated, what is the harm a random stranger in a random bar flirting...holds some promise or not! We talked and laughed and talked some more when she got up...'Listen i am heading to my room in this hotel would you like to join me?'she said. My numb mind registered what she just said and i staggered up taking her hand and into the elevator off to her room in a blur...
It was not untill we started kissing that i heard a voice in my head...it was Trisha my wife's voice...
' I dont mind you cheating on me occasionally pranab...'
'WHAT! Are you out of your mind...which wife says that?' I had said.
'I am serious you can i wont mind but whenever you do please use a condom...please do because you are going to come back to me anyways' and she laughed her tickling laughter!
I stopped and blurted 'Condom! Do you have a condom?' She looked at me confused , 'yeah let me look in the washroom, just wait...'
My mind was no longer numb as soon as she left the room, i shifted uncomfortably and suddenly jerked up picked my jacket and left the room...ran down the stairs and out in the cold february air....
It was only when i was back home and saw my cold bed did i remember Trisha's cancer.....

TO COVER IT ALL....

So its 8 am in the morning and i get his call..'I gave the gift you sent but she is asking why hasnt she called yet...so better call her.' 'She ' is my mother in law and its her birthday today whom i would have called anyways at an appropriate time because its all so new right now. And now i am sitting and wondering how i had told him casually to call my father as he was having some health issues...and how i cannot push him so much to do that because you see guys resent nagging not to mention he hasnt found the time yet to do that. I cant help myself but to think is this going to be a lifelong thing because of course i am going to his home and so i have more liability  of such things. And i feel so sad all of a sudden because neither my parents  nor his will have any issues with this. For my folks once i leave their home am no longer theirs to claim. He can stay as out of touch as he can as i will fill the gaps. But as i have to look after two families from now on stating the obvious i can never leave my parents emotionally isnt it supposed to be a shared thing between a couple. Indian dictum is clear whereby my parents wont expect things from me but can i leave them? I cant...they have given me everything i have today or who i am...my upbringing wont allow me to ignore his parents...so will i be able to strike a balance?!

Here's what i got...

Deepika Padukone – "My Choice" Directed By Homi Adajania - Vogue Empower: https://youtu.be/KtPv7IEhWRA

First thing first i will like to thank and congratulate the team of director and the several women from different walks of life in producing this video. When I saw this i felt that it is an expression of some part of myself which is constantly struggling and questioning with choices i want to make. Its true i belong to the liberated empowered and so called 'elite' species of women but does that mean i have full freedom to exercise my choices?! And this is happening in all strata of society in varying degrees. Woman of today is in constant spotlight...the more she is liberated the most her freedom is being curtailed. It is truly my choice to decide my career, my family life and as basic as my food preferences without being judged. But it is also my choice to marry or not or at what age and when to have a family. If you are trying to make me equal then why am i constantly reminded in small small things that i am a woman! Why do i feel scared to be outside alone at night or why should i work my ass off so that my work is never scrutinised based on my gender?! As for being of an elite class trust me the choice of having or not having sex is never truly a woman's choice in any socioeconomic group when its a man's priviledge to abuse her in a marriage. Also if she chooses to go out to a movie with a  male friend she is open to be raped! It opened my eyes to the fact that being a female myself how i myself judge my clan in so many ways. Being truly empowered doesnt come with the facility to education or right to vote it also comes with the influence free vote and equal opportunity in all that we do....I am glad my country is slowly waking up to question what exactly is my freedom and equality!